Just a tad. One of the gifts my mother has is that long long ago she whittled away at my core of self belief/confidence so that its consistently in a fragile state.
No matter what is going on with my life I don't actually really deep down believe it when some one appears to care about me. Sure there have been men that have been crap, but that's not unique. It goes further than that. Even though I know that the people who are in my life are there because they chose to be I don't really really believe it, I think they are just kicking along with me for some other reason (what I'm not quite sure)
A few weeks ago I was sitting with a couple of friends and I made a throw away comment about not being very likeable this was picked up and thrown straight out the window by both friends who were there and they probably haven't given it another thought. That's fine, why should they. But I have and I have been wondering why I feel the way I do. Then I started thinking back to those long ago days ........
From when I was about 10 I used to go on an annual summer Christian youth camp (in those days I was a good girl!) anyway it was lots of fun and I made friends (from all around the UK) there who would, like me go back the following year, as we got older we would arrange to meet up around the country at Christmas time and other reunions, and in between we kept in touch as best we could - by letter!
Anyway I remember most distinctly one time walking into my parents room with some post and giving my Mother her post and gleefully finding a letter from one of my friends from camp, her comment at seeing my happy face was
"they are not real friends you know, they are only writing to you because they feel they have to, because you write to them, they don't really like you"
I was probably about 12 at that point and had written and received loads of letters from friends and of course back in those days it had to be letters, we couldn't spend hours on the phone (not when parents paid the phone bill) and there was no such thing as email.
But I think that was one of those defining moments for me, she was my mother so therefore she had to be right, she knew me better than these other people so of course she was right, they didn't really want to be my friend.
And that I strongly suspect was the day that I stopped believing that people could ever really like me.
4 comments:
Mothers are extremely adept at doing that sort of thing. :(
Spirit, Yes I think there is a secret section in all the child care books that tell them just how to fuck up heads!
For what it's worth, I was thinking about something similar today. I was thinking, "At what age did I seriously look at my parents and say, 'Nah! That's bullshit!'?" Probably, no shit, when I was about seven. Or 8.
Sincere.
Oh, good grief. What a horrible thing to have said to you. Your mother must now have been a very happy person in her own right. Well, shake it off. It was a long time ago and you have obviously found friends who care for you and have discovered something of value and worth in you that your mother may have missed. I've been reading the thoughts you've cared to share with us for awhile now and I think you've got a lot to offer.
RP
randompensees.mu.nu
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