Suction

A little while ago I was flicking through the Sunday magazine and decided that I'd try out some offers that are constantly run by 'beauty salons'. 
 
I found a Spa that offered a 45 minute ZYP249* treatment as well as a 30 min 'slimming massage' all for the price of $598 so I thought, "why not?" ......... 
 
I arrived 5 minutes before my appointment time, I'm very rarely late for anything and usually early.  I was greeted with friendly smiles and given a form to fill out; name, age, contact number, next of kin(!!! That really should have been a tip off), height, weight, goals etc.

Filled out all the necessary and sent a text to my next of kin telling them I was just about to undergo a session with a ZYP249 machine and might not make it out alive (oh how I thought I was being funny!).
Then I was introduced to my consultant, who was going to make sure the treatment was "tailor made to deal with (my) specific problem areas" .... she took me to my treatment room and asked me to undress and put on the given paper disposable thong and a robe, I did.... then off we went to another room where I was weighed (they don't make me do this at Elemis) and my height was measured. She then asked if she could feel my skin! Ummm Ok..... I opened up my robe and she felt my tummy! 
Emily, for that was her name then shook her head sadly at my numbers and shared her great wisdom with me "You are fat" ........ I smiled and said "Yes, I know", Emily then got out her flip charts and calculator and proceeded to flip through pages until she found the one that was "tailor made to deal with (my) specific problem areas" this was of course Program Z, the one they have to pull out all the big guns for ......... Remember this is in a town that tells ALL its women they are too fat even when they weigh only 105lbs, so when faced with a Western woman who really  is overweight Emily was a little overwhelmed.
 
Well as luck would have it "Program Z would solve all my problems, my painful cellulite" (really, how is it painful? Painful for others to look at?) "my fat tummy and my fat covered thighs, it would tone and tighten all areas and dissolve all fat cells" 
Hmmmm I thought, that sounds like a miracle, tell me more......... "The Program Z comprises of 30 mins on the ZYP249 machine, followed by 30 mins on the Defibrillator*, 20 mins on the CIX29* and a 40 min slimming massage"
 
I thought that sounded like a lot of treatment, but hey if it was going to guarantee me results like Emily swore it would do, then why the heck not! Then Emily said " yes, you must have Program Z 4 times a week for the next 10 weeks, then 2 time a week for the following 10 weeks then switch to our maintains level of 1 time a week for the following 6 months" 
 
Now I had just been going along with this whole scenario to see how it would play, but at this point I said "Well I don't know that I have that much free time in my life on a weekly basis" and her reply was "Do you do any exercise" I said "Well some yes, I take a yoga class twice a week and I attempt to go swimming at least 3 times a week". Her reply was a classic one ....... "Well if instead of spending your time exercising you spent it here having the Program Z then it would dissolve your fat at a much better rate, because look at you, the exercise has not worked has it"
 
I was a little miffed and said "ok so I'm still overweight according to your charts, BUT I actually like my swimming and yoga classes"
 
She replied "Yes when we have dissolved all your fat you should start doing yoga and swimming again, and you will look much better without all your fat, I see you are not married**"
 
So at this point I'm ready to walk, but couldn't resist just asking what the cost of all these treatments are.  HK$30000
 
Right then!  Not for me thanks! Can I have my special offer treatment now? And just what does a ZYP249 treatment entail? All is explained to me.
 
Off I go back into my treatment room where I am introduced to Lars, who I'm told will be performing my treatments but doesn't have much English, well as I usually don't have big chats with my therapists I didn't think that would be a problem, Lars is told to "Help Mia deal with her problem areas successfully".
 
I'm then given a body stocking, I kid you not, its made out of thin see through white cotton and before  I  step into it I ask why! The answer is "the machine must not come into contact with your skin"  Hmmm Ah well, how bad can it be!
 
I lie face down on the massage table, and Lars turns on the machine it sounds like a vacuum cleaner and that in fact is what it is. A very powerful vacuum cleaner, as Lars starts to run the vacuum cleaner over my back Emily puts her head around the door and says "Mia, do not worry it is painful for everyone but with so much fat on you it will be very painful, this is normal"
 
What the f**k!
 
She's right, it is! The ZYP249 had a few different settings, each one worse than the one before.
It would beat me like a road drill then suck me like a vacuum cleaner then beat me all over again at a deeper level. Quite a few times I'd say "Ow" when it hurt to much, Lars would just laugh and say "Ah yes very painful, very fat"  (Bitch!!) But I let it run its course, as soon as one area was pummled and moved away from it stopped hurting, so I just focused my mind on the areas that were done with. The places that hurt the most were my upper arms! Most odd! I think that was because she was trying to suck out my lymph glands! 
 
Finally the treatment was over!
Thank heavens! Now I could have my nice massage, I had told Lars to be gentle with me.
I had my suspicions she didn't 'do' gentle. I was told to take off my body stocking and lie face up on the bed. I did as I was told! Lars slathered her hands in oil and ran her hands down between my breasts .......... odd! Ah well, she carried on giving me a very odd massage, not too hard but occasionally I tensed up, she just laughed and carried on........ and said "relax"  Yes right! Easily done!  Again she went big time pressure on my upper arms and I told her to stop, it really was painful!  She just laughed and said "relax".
 
Finally it was all over, thank goodness. There I lay a quivering wreck wondering how I was going to get home. I got dressed and went out to the front desk where Emily and Lars were talking, Lars then turned to me and said (in fairly decent English) that she had never worked on a western woman before and that I should come back again tomorrow for more treatments.
 
Thanks Lars, but no. I'll be sticking to the Zen room*** from now on.  And I do have a vacuum cleaner at home if need be!
 
Oh yes and there have been NO changes to my body, apart from lots and lots of hickeys all over my thighs! No swimming for the next week then!

   
 
*Brand name has been changed - obviously!
** So thats why!
***Back to my usual venue for at the Elemis Day Spa where they have a 'zen' room you can lounge around in for hours after your wonderful massage, face and body treatments while sipping healthy fruit drinks (or white wine after 5pm ladies) OK and they also have chocolate brownies!   The Elemis ladies are wonderful and they never make you weigh yourself!