Tell me who you want me to be and I'll be it.

I think I'm finally growing into myself, finding the compromise between adapting to my surroundings and giving up part of my self in order to appear as others want me to be.

All my formative years were spent trying to get approval from my mother by my actions and deeds, I never did, never ever. Even other family members will still remark on how I just had to walk in the house and it would be the wrong way. I never did find the right way in.

Once I got thrown out of home for doing something so wicked I was ashamed to admit the reason to anyone, not even to the parents of the friend I went to stay with (I was 13 years old). I'd come home one evening after babysitting for a family from church, it wasn't a late night, probably about 9pm as they had just been to a church meeting, not out for a wild night out wife swapping (although that did come a couple of years later, but that's for another post) anyway, I came home and was hungry, I had gone straight from school to cubs (I was a cub scout leader at the time) and then on to babysitting and for some reason there was nothing for me to nibble on there....... sorry I digress, maybe I really am ashamed of my behaviour!

I came home and went into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich, I didn't make a mess while I was doing it and I would have washed up my knife and plate when I had finished. My mother came into the kitchen and saw me about to open a tin of tuna, she said that I couldn't have that tin as it was too much for one sandwich, I said that I realised that and wouldn't waste the other half, I'd make 2 sandwiches and take one to school for my packed lunch the next day. The tuna would NOT be wasted. But no, she didn't want me to do that either, now it wasn't the last or only tin of tuna in the cupboard so I couldn't see what the problem was, I asked what I should have instead, what was I allowed to have. She said just have bread and butter. Now we were not rolling in money, but we were not hard up, there was always always a well stocked fridge and pantry in our home, she left the room, left me standing there with some bread and butter on my plate and a tin of tuna in my hand, I went to put it back in the cupboard and realised that there were a pile of tins of tuna so couldnt see what the fuss was about, so I disobeyed her. I made myself a tuna sandwich, I carefully made a 2nd one and wrapped it in tin foil and put it in my lunch box ready for the next morning. I went off to bed.
About an hour later, just as I was drifting off to sleep she towered into my bedroom and told me to get dressed, to get my school bag, to get my lunch and to get out.

So I did, I left and went to stay with my friend. A friend who's own mother was delightful, a mother who welcomed me with open arms at 10 o'clock at night and made up the spare bed for me. A mother who was fighting a loosing battle with Breast Cancer at the time but who would never turn me away.