3 basic needs

I've got a lot of needs and wants in my life, but recently I've whittled down the list.

I believe I need three things in order to be fulfilled.

• I need to feel valued.
  
• I need to feel secure.
  
• I need to feel in control.

At the moment I don't feel any of the above, although I'm working on them, I was talking with a friend over a large bottle of wine about this subject and this was our conclusion and yes we did end up taking notes, purely because of the amount of alcohol involved!

The best way to fulfill these needs is to do-it-yourself. Ideally, we value ourselves and feel worthwhile, we are self-confident and self-secure, and so feel safe. We make our own decisions, make our own mark on life and so feel in control.

But, that's only an ideal. Instead, most of us rely on others to fulfill our needs.
We believe that a partner will value us, offer us security and generally make us feel on top of the world.

No man, however wonderful, can meet our every need 24/7 forever - not only because he's not Superman, but also because he has needs too, which may conflict with ours. Of course no relationship, however committed, can deliver totally; not only because every relationship has its weak spots but also because in time every relationship hits problems.

Valuing yourself

Single, you can learn to value yourself because you can't depend on a partner for approval and validation.

• Step 1: Start becoming aware of what you like about yourself. Notice when you do well and when others praise or approve of you. If someone doesn't approve, mentally reassure yourself - think of things that you are proud of, to contradict their negativity.
• Step 2: Actively be good to yourself, in small ways and big ways. Put yourself first when choosing what to eat, what to drink, what to do. Choose to do what you like, what gives you pleasure. Enjoy the fact that, single, you don't need to negotiate on how to spend life day-to-day.
• Step 3: Take yourself seriously. Write down what's important to you, the values you have that mean a lot to you. Particularly, think back to values that other people have - such as parents, friends, previous partners - that you disagree with. Resolve to drop these ideas and instead follow what you believe in. Then be proud of those values - they are what make you uniquely yourself.

So, lets see.

• Step 1: Too hard to write down here what I like about myself, I can only be superficial and say that I like my legs. Other thoughts will need time to rise to the surface. But I know that for me just 1 negative comment wipes out 10 positive. I need to get a better ratio.
  
• Step 2: I'm good at this some of the time, I do treat myself to things I like, I do appreciate that I don't have to negotiate on how to spend a cold Saturday afternoon. And I really do like my own company.
  
• Step 3: Will have to come back to this one. It could be a post all on its own!

As for the 'wants'. Well thats a whole different list.